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Singled Out is moving…
Well, not exactly. It’s being incorporated into another blog called Happy About This Please join me over there. I will still be blogging ALOT about single issues. However, Happy About This has allowed me to expand my reach into other areas…
Tired of Being Girlfriend #2
When Pleasure P sang about Boyfriend #2 he described such a person as the man in a committed woman’s life who fulfills the sexual needs that her boyfriend/husband can’t or won’t. I love the song although I don’t believe that most women are sexual cheaters so much as emotional cheaters. If I’m in a relationship with someone, why do I need yet another man to “lay back while I do” him?
Most likely, what I’m missing is someone to spend time with me, to talk about the things that are going on my life, and perhaps even to flirt with me while giving me relationship advice. Technically, these are all things that any partner to whom you’re committed should do. But as we know, these are often the very types of behaviors that are lacking in relationships.
Getting these needs met in a relationship is the main area in which I see most of the men I know fail. For some reason, my male friends, cousins, and associates seem to almost deliberately choose women that they can’t talk to…about anything…at all…ever. I’ve seen some men who are blinded by looks, others who pick girls based on what they’re friends will say, some who are so afraid of rejection they only date girls who chase them (safe bets), and still others who really have no excuse for choosing women who are incompatible with them on a basic level.
Too many men in my life have sought to fill in the gaps of their sorry ass relationships by using me as Girlfriend #2. I have had men who were in committed relationships with OTHER women call me first when they got a promotion or wanted to share some other exciting news, ask me instead of their woman what they should do about a financial or work issue, or even spend hours on the phone or over IM with me listening to music or chatting about sports all the while allowing an undercurrent of flirtation to persist. I believe that I have spent so much time being Girlfriend #2, that it has kept me from my goal of being Girlfriend #1. Being Girlfriend #2 takes a surprising amount of energy!
I’m done with that shit.
Sharing His Innermost Thoughts With Someone Else
If you think this article is about whether or not men and woman can be platonic friends, you’ve totally missed the point. It’s deeper than that. It’s about a fundamental inability or refusal by many men to choose women that can give them the emotional support and conversation they require. Yes people choose all sorts of incompatible people, but this is one particular area in which it is crucial that a man pick the right woman. One thing that I understand about men is that men need to get their conversation and advisory counsel in relationships because they can’t go to their friends and regularly share intense feelings or emotions the way that women do.
Sample conversation between two men regarding a death in one man’s family:
[Man1: What’s up with you man, you all quiet and shit.
Man 2: Nah yo’ my grandma died…crazy man.
Man 1: Oh, that’s messed up! I hate to hear that, how she pass?
Man 2: Cancer. Yeah, she had it for years so we kinda knew…but still.
Man 1: Well let me know if I can do anything man. Keep your head up.
Man 2: Yeah, Thanks man.
*sigh*
I’m not saying that all men communicate in such an empty and uncomfortable manner (yes I am)…but simply put, women more fully. My advice to men is easy to understand.
Couples Should Enjoy Each Other's Company
If you are a fanatic about a certain sport, why not find you a woman who likes that sport so you don’t have to argue about how much money or time you spend watching/going to the games. If you like to go to strip club and chill, why not find a woman who will accompany you or at least get a giggle out of the fact that you like it so much. If you know you like the club scene, don’t make a girlfriend out of the homebody intellectual who thinks clubs are for freaks and heathens. If you know you like to get out and explore outdoors don’t marry the girl spends all her spare time drinking and eating. And if you have ambitions to do and be a certain thing, share that with a woman BEFORE you commit in order to help her understand what a life with you would be like. That way she won’t be complaining about stuff she “shoulda knew” later on in the relationship.
You don’t have to have everything in common, but look at your life and the things you enjoy the most and find most important…pick a woman who can support those things, not just tolerate or -even worse- complaint about them. Everyday communications between two people in a couple should feel natural—some of you are straining.
Listen to me men, because at some point in time, us Girlfriend #2s are going to realized that we are being used and we will end that dynamic and find our OWN MAN to love and support and pretend to listen too, and then where will you be?
In the meantime, if you’re curious about whether you’ve been using me as a Girlfriend #2, please do not ask inquire. Just assume you have, and stop it.
This Week in Singled Out 9-21-09
New Blog Post Inspired by Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom’s decision to marry after one month of dating.
Baller Alert gets the scoop on Khloe and Lamar Odom’s upcoming wedding.
Footage of Rihanna singing in high school surfaces. As a Rihanna fan I HAD to post this.
Slate Magazine advises a woman on how to deal with her new boyfriend who is COVERED from head to toe in…MOLES.
Newsweek reports on why the oldest people in the world are typically women.
How Soon Is Too Soon? Could you be like Khloe and Lamar?
So this week Baller Alert reported that Khloe Kardashian (Kim’s younger sister) is set to marry NBA Baller Lamar Odom this Sunday (9/27/09) after only ONE month of dating. Of course, most people’s reaction to this news has been mocking. Here’s Khloe, a serial baller-dater and Lamar yet another baller who didn’t make the mother of his children his wife in all the 12 years they were reportedly together. Other media outlets are already reporting that Lamar and Khloe will have a spinoff show after their wedding is taped on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” All these rumors and the circumstances surrounding their relationship don’t exactly give anyone the feeling that this is going to be a lasting union.
But what do we know?
I will be honest, I could absolutely envision myself doing something like this. Since I’ve never met anyone that the shine didn’t wear off of within two weeks, on some level I feel like a month would be long enough for me to decide that I was willing to make it work with the first man who is respectful of men and can hold my interest longer than two dates and one disagreement. I’m not saying I would be in love with him. I’m not saying that I would know or understand him. But what I am saying is that I think it’s possible to just have a “feeling” about someone.
I don’t believe that love, honesty, or respect keep marriages together on a whole…I think that a genuine willingness on the part of both parties to make a relationship work is what keeps a marriage/relationship together. From that dedication grows the love, honesty, and respect that allow two people to be happy together. How many of us know two people who love each other yet one or both always have one foot out the door? You have to want it.
Maybe Khloe and Lamar are having a publicity stunt moment. Maybe they’re getting married because they both have business ventures that they can help each other with. Or maybe they’re getting married b/c fuck it, they’re young and it seems like fun idea. Doesn’t everyone have a different idea of what marriage should be? One person’s idea of marriage might be love and romance, another person’s reason for marrying might be soley to have a family.
I find this union between Khloe and Lamar intriguing and confusing on many levels…the marriage within a month of meeting is the least of it.
Read more: www.singled-out.net |twitter.com/sojdanielle |facebook.com/jdanielle
Why I Don’t Dance with Guys at the Club
I love to dance. I always have. And, actually, I’m pretty good. When I was really young, my parents would tape MJ and Janet videos for me. I’d spend hours and hours practicing to those tapes until I’d mastered every move down to the smallest hand motion.
When I got older, my friends and I started a singing group and we performed in talent shows. I’d watch hours of videos from different recording artists in order to choreograph our performance.
I went to my first real dance when I was a freshman in high school. I walked into the party and went straight to the middle of the dance floor where I believed I belonged given my dancing ability. I didn’t pay attention to the way other people were dancing, until an R. Kelly song came on, (I think it was, “It Seems Like You’re Ready), and one of the boys from my high school came up behind me, spun me around and tried to grind on me. I pushed him away and put my hands on his shoulders so that we were still dancing together but not touching. He said to me “That’s not how you dance, come on now.” I looked around and noticed that every couple dancing looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual experience. I turned to him and said, “Well, I don’t wanna dance then.” He muttered something about me being stuck up.
I didn’t care.
I would only grind on my man!!
As I’ve gotten older, the expectation that a man should be able to rub his crotch and hands up against my body just because I’m moving to the beat of a song and every other girl is doing it has gotten stronger. I can’t even the count the number of men who have approached me at a party and attempted to molest me. I use the term “molest” because I was told in elementary sexual education that molestation happens when a stranger touches you inappropriately. And I believe that every time a woman dances with a man in the club she is subjecting herself to a type of consensual molestation that is nontheless gross in my view.
I’ve never really be into the club scene and I believe this is the reason why. When I was in college I had girlfriends who also liked to dance. We’d all go to the middle of the dance floor together. But then they’d start dancing with some guys leaving me dancing happily alone. Well, as soon as I’d be alone someone would try to dance with me, taking all the fun out of an otherwise enjoyable night.
I hate that when I politely decline to dance with a man, they assume that I am rejecting them on an individual level. When, in fact, I am simply rejecting the practice of adult strangers humping on each other in public. If this same man would have stood facing me while we both did the dougie, everything would be fine…but men don’t want to dance with you unless they can put their unfamiliar hands in places only familiar hands should go.
Once I did try to dance with a man thinking, well, if all the other girls are doing it, maybe it’s not so bad. A guy moved in close behind me and put his hands on my hips as we rocked side to side. I wasn’t too disgusted at first, until he put his hand on my back and tried to push me forward as though he was “hittin’ it from the back.”
I realized then, that I don’t need to be doing what every other girl is doing. I mean other girls were wearing matching denim jackets and jeans and lining their lips with black liner and I wasn’t considering doing that. I was born an individual, and have decided to remain that way.
Nowadays when I go the club (a very rare occurrence) I stay off to the side and only dance on songs that really move me. If I had my wish I would be swag surfing and doing the Dallas boogie and the stanky leg all night. But unfortunately, I’m too afraid of being attacked. I wish I could dance with reckless abandon, not worrying about explaining my position on molestation; however, until that becomes reality I do the bulk of my dancing in my house or at Joy of Motion, the men there don’t mind keeping their hands to themselves.
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Written by JDanielle
Follow me on Twitter: Sojdanielle
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