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Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category
Tired of Being Girlfriend #2
When Pleasure P sang about Boyfriend #2 he described such a person as the man in a committed woman’s life who fulfills the sexual needs that her boyfriend/husband can’t or won’t. I love the song although I don’t believe that most women are sexual cheaters so much as emotional cheaters. If I’m in a relationship with someone, why do I need yet another man to “lay back while I do” him?
Most likely, what I’m missing is someone to spend time with me, to talk about the things that are going on my life, and perhaps even to flirt with me while giving me relationship advice. Technically, these are all things that any partner to whom you’re committed should do. But as we know, these are often the very types of behaviors that are lacking in relationships.
Getting these needs met in a relationship is the main area in which I see most of the men I know fail. For some reason, my male friends, cousins, and associates seem to almost deliberately choose women that they can’t talk to…about anything…at all…ever. I’ve seen some men who are blinded by looks, others who pick girls based on what they’re friends will say, some who are so afraid of rejection they only date girls who chase them (safe bets), and still others who really have no excuse for choosing women who are incompatible with them on a basic level.
Too many men in my life have sought to fill in the gaps of their sorry ass relationships by using me as Girlfriend #2. I have had men who were in committed relationships with OTHER women call me first when they got a promotion or wanted to share some other exciting news, ask me instead of their woman what they should do about a financial or work issue, or even spend hours on the phone or over IM with me listening to music or chatting about sports all the while allowing an undercurrent of flirtation to persist. I believe that I have spent so much time being Girlfriend #2, that it has kept me from my goal of being Girlfriend #1. Being Girlfriend #2 takes a surprising amount of energy!
I’m done with that shit.
Sharing His Innermost Thoughts With Someone Else
If you think this article is about whether or not men and woman can be platonic friends, you’ve totally missed the point. It’s deeper than that. It’s about a fundamental inability or refusal by many men to choose women that can give them the emotional support and conversation they require. Yes people choose all sorts of incompatible people, but this is one particular area in which it is crucial that a man pick the right woman. One thing that I understand about men is that men need to get their conversation and advisory counsel in relationships because they can’t go to their friends and regularly share intense feelings or emotions the way that women do.
Sample conversation between two men regarding a death in one man’s family:
[Man1: What’s up with you man, you all quiet and shit.
Man 2: Nah yo’ my grandma died…crazy man.
Man 1: Oh, that’s messed up! I hate to hear that, how she pass?
Man 2: Cancer. Yeah, she had it for years so we kinda knew…but still.
Man 1: Well let me know if I can do anything man. Keep your head up.
Man 2: Yeah, Thanks man.
*sigh*
I’m not saying that all men communicate in such an empty and uncomfortable manner (yes I am)…but simply put, women more fully. My advice to men is easy to understand.
Couples Should Enjoy Each Other's Company
If you are a fanatic about a certain sport, why not find you a woman who likes that sport so you don’t have to argue about how much money or time you spend watching/going to the games. If you like to go to strip club and chill, why not find a woman who will accompany you or at least get a giggle out of the fact that you like it so much. If you know you like the club scene, don’t make a girlfriend out of the homebody intellectual who thinks clubs are for freaks and heathens. If you know you like to get out and explore outdoors don’t marry the girl spends all her spare time drinking and eating. And if you have ambitions to do and be a certain thing, share that with a woman BEFORE you commit in order to help her understand what a life with you would be like. That way she won’t be complaining about stuff she “shoulda knew” later on in the relationship.
You don’t have to have everything in common, but look at your life and the things you enjoy the most and find most important…pick a woman who can support those things, not just tolerate or -even worse- complaint about them. Everyday communications between two people in a couple should feel natural—some of you are straining.
Listen to me men, because at some point in time, us Girlfriend #2s are going to realized that we are being used and we will end that dynamic and find our OWN MAN to love and support and pretend to listen too, and then where will you be?
In the meantime, if you’re curious about whether you’ve been using me as a Girlfriend #2, please do not ask inquire. Just assume you have, and stop it.
Why I Don’t Dance with Guys at the Club
I love to dance. I always have. And, actually, I’m pretty good. When I was really young, my parents would tape MJ and Janet videos for me. I’d spend hours and hours practicing to those tapes until I’d mastered every move down to the smallest hand motion.
When I got older, my friends and I started a singing group and we performed in talent shows. I’d watch hours of videos from different recording artists in order to choreograph our performance.
I went to my first real dance when I was a freshman in high school. I walked into the party and went straight to the middle of the dance floor where I believed I belonged given my dancing ability. I didn’t pay attention to the way other people were dancing, until an R. Kelly song came on, (I think it was, “It Seems Like You’re Ready), and one of the boys from my high school came up behind me, spun me around and tried to grind on me. I pushed him away and put my hands on his shoulders so that we were still dancing together but not touching. He said to me “That’s not how you dance, come on now.” I looked around and noticed that every couple dancing looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual experience. I turned to him and said, “Well, I don’t wanna dance then.” He muttered something about me being stuck up.
I didn’t care.
I would only grind on my man!!
As I’ve gotten older, the expectation that a man should be able to rub his crotch and hands up against my body just because I’m moving to the beat of a song and every other girl is doing it has gotten stronger. I can’t even the count the number of men who have approached me at a party and attempted to molest me. I use the term “molest” because I was told in elementary sexual education that molestation happens when a stranger touches you inappropriately. And I believe that every time a woman dances with a man in the club she is subjecting herself to a type of consensual molestation that is nontheless gross in my view.
I’ve never really be into the club scene and I believe this is the reason why. When I was in college I had girlfriends who also liked to dance. We’d all go to the middle of the dance floor together. But then they’d start dancing with some guys leaving me dancing happily alone. Well, as soon as I’d be alone someone would try to dance with me, taking all the fun out of an otherwise enjoyable night.
I hate that when I politely decline to dance with a man, they assume that I am rejecting them on an individual level. When, in fact, I am simply rejecting the practice of adult strangers humping on each other in public. If this same man would have stood facing me while we both did the dougie, everything would be fine…but men don’t want to dance with you unless they can put their unfamiliar hands in places only familiar hands should go.
Once I did try to dance with a man thinking, well, if all the other girls are doing it, maybe it’s not so bad. A guy moved in close behind me and put his hands on my hips as we rocked side to side. I wasn’t too disgusted at first, until he put his hand on my back and tried to push me forward as though he was “hittin’ it from the back.”
I realized then, that I don’t need to be doing what every other girl is doing. I mean other girls were wearing matching denim jackets and jeans and lining their lips with black liner and I wasn’t considering doing that. I was born an individual, and have decided to remain that way.
Nowadays when I go the club (a very rare occurrence) I stay off to the side and only dance on songs that really move me. If I had my wish I would be swag surfing and doing the Dallas boogie and the stanky leg all night. But unfortunately, I’m too afraid of being attacked. I wish I could dance with reckless abandon, not worrying about explaining my position on molestation; however, until that becomes reality I do the bulk of my dancing in my house or at Joy of Motion, the men there don’t mind keeping their hands to themselves.
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Written by JDanielle
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Could you be happy single forever?
One of my friends had a facebook status about whether or not women should higher or lower their standards in dating. It was one of those random nothing questions I hate (and try not to do in my blog) that always sparks a male vs. female controversial and stereotypical debate (which I also hate).
In the comments, one woman said that she refused to lower her standards even if it meant that she would be single forever. She said if she finds someone, great, if not, that’s ok too. If I remember correctly, she cited her age as early 30s.
I used to think this way, but not anymore. Well, not quite, anyway. I could be happy alone forever, but I’d need a psychic to confirm that was my fate first. My discontent with being single lies in the uncertainty of it all. If psychic told me I’d always be single, it would change my life in many WONDERFUL ways. I felt momentary comfort at the thought of NEVER EVER EVER EVER having to date EVER AGAIN. I could stop wasting my time getting to know people and dealing with the inevitable and constant disappointment if knew that ultimately there was no real point. I’d also adopt two kids BEFORE I turn 30 rather than waiting until after I turn 30 just in case I meet someone with whom I could have a family. You can’t buy or psychologically force that kind of freedom.
Another great gift that a psychic could bestow on me by confirming that I’m never going to fall in love or get married is to free me from being impacted by other people’s opinions and statements on single life. People could keep their stupid ass advice like don’t worry you’ll find someone, or when you stop looking that’s when you find a mate (this is all bullshit by the way), and if I knew I was going to be single I could just tell them that and point them to my psychic. I wouldn’t be tempted to read blogs on ways to meet people because I’d already know that none of the advice applied to me. And most of all, I wouldn’t have to deal with some people’s hurtful reactions to me being single.
I was dating a guy who asked me the inevitable question, “when was your last relationship.” The truth is I’ve only been in one sort of relationship but it isn’t even worth counting, it didn’t last long and he was gone most of the time. So, to be totally accurate, I’ve never been in a relationship in a real sense and have been single since I started dating in high school. I hate answering this question because people are so judgmental. The person asking the question could have been in 10 relationships that all ended badly and they will still judge you even though, at this point, both of you are still single i.e. in the same boat.
But I digress. When he asked me the question, I answered honestly. Of course, he reacted badly. For the first time, I decided to ask why is never having been in a relationship or having been in love so terrible? And he said because, if you’ve been single that long that means that either nobody wanted you or you were too busy being a ho.
OUCH
People have different reasons for wanting to get married or be in a relationship. I am personally in need of a teammate. Someone who can help me make financial and career decisions, who I can call when I hear something funny or when someone makes me sad. Someone on whom I can bestow my growing need to nurture, and, of course, someone to have sex with on a regular basis, travel with and do activities….someone to grow old with and raise a family.
If you’re someone who wants that, what do you do without it? Obviously, you can be happy single. I am proof of that. But for how long? It’s undeniable that GOOD/HAPPY relationships are invaluable even independent of marriage. How would you feel if no one ever loves you that way again?
I’m googling for a psychic in my area right now.
Sidetreat:
Every time I’m upset about how a man has disappointed me, I realize my disappointments have been TRIVIAL compared to some. Check out Dr. Michelle Callahan’s site. She answers a question from a reader who was literally robbed and financially ruined by his mate. He wonders if he will ever be able to date again or if he can just accept being alone. Made me sad!
Cheap Accessories: Objects and People
Today I lost 4 carats of diamonds. I cried about it. Seriously, I cried. I usually only buy cheap accessories because I am afraid I’ll either break or lose them. I still remember the day I bought that ring…as the cashier rung it up, and I handed her my credit card, I kept thinking I should tell her to stop. I should put that ring back b/c 3 months from now I won’t know where it is. All I will have left of it is my credit card bill.
The last time I saw my ring, I was coming back from spending the night at this guy’s house that I’ve been getting to know for a while. I knew before I ever agreed to get together with him that night, that it was a mistake. He doesn’t care anything about me, and I’m not sure what the attraction is on my end aside from the physical.
A year ago, I said that I was done with casual dating/sex and wanted something more serious. I thought that he might be someone that I could take my time and get to know and see where it goes. But quickly, he showed himself to be a lot like other men…skiddish, suspicious, insecure, and convinced that he is a good man despite having no supporting evidence.
Even though the last time I saw my ring I was leaving his house, I still searched for it for 3 hours before texting him to see if I’d left it there. Why? Because if I had left it at his house and he hadn’t seen it, I knew he wouldn’t care enough to look. Plus this was 3 days after I’d last seen him and he hadn’t bothered to call me. At all. For any reason. Not even to see if I’m alive.
Men like him are the ultimate cheap accessory.
Although I want to be in a relationship, and I believe I have a lot to offer someone, I am still stuck in a cycle of meeting and dealing with men who are nothing but cheap accessories on an otherwise well-made life. And I am starting to believe that, much like my fear of losing an expensive item keeps me in the frugal zone, the fear of finding a good man only to later lose him somehow is part of the reason why I’ve remained single so long. Not many truly good men have crossed my path, but the very few that have didn’t get the type of attention from me they probably deserved.
I remember shopping with my mom when I was little. She would never buy anything white, no matter how much she loved it. No matter how beautiful it was, she’d touch and stare at it, hang it back on the rack and leave it in the store because life gets messy, and she didn’t want to spill anything on it. White gets dirty fast. And sometimes it’s impossible to clean.
But is the fear of messing something up or losing something a reason to never acquire items (or people) you truly want to hold on to? Relationships are messy. They get dirty fast, and sometimes, they are impossible to clean. But if it adds value to your life, shouldn’t you go for it anyway?
Losing the ring got me thinking. I only have 3 pieces of property in this world of any value: a 5 yr old German Shepherd, a 1 yr old Land Rover, and a missing diamond ring. I am still paying for all 3. And each of them has caused me fear in some way. Fear of losing my ring (I have), fear of my dog dying (he will), and fear of losing my car to some economical hardship (I could).
But I don’t regret any of these purchases because I know that I shouldn’t let fear drive my decisionmaking. Hopefully, one day I will meet a good man and it will be an offer I can’t refuse. Until then dating remains a little scary. And unfortunately I still have a couple cheap accessories that I need to lose.