Most likely, what I’m missing is someone to spend time with me, to talk about the things that are going on my life, and perhaps even to flirt with me while giving me relationship advice. Technically, these are all things that any partner to whom you’re committed should do. But as we know, these are often the very types of behaviors that are lacking in relationships.

Getting these needs met in a relationship is the main area in which I see most of the men I know fail. For some reason, my male friends, cousins, and associates seem to almost deliberately choose women that they can’t talk to…about anything…at all…ever.  I’ve seen some men who are blinded by looks, others who pick girls based on what they’re friends will say, some who are so afraid of rejection they only date girls who chase them (safe bets), and still others who really have no excuse for choosing women who are incompatible with them on a basic level.

Too many men in my life have sought to fill in the gaps of their sorry ass relationships by using me as Girlfriend #2.  I have had men who were in committed relationships with OTHER women call me first when they got a promotion or wanted to share some other exciting news, ask me instead of their woman what they should do about a financial or work issue, or even spend hours on the phone or over IM with me listening to music or chatting about sports all the while allowing an undercurrent of flirtation to persist.  I believe that I have spent so much time being Girlfriend #2, that it has kept me from my goal of being Girlfriend #1. Being Girlfriend #2 takes a surprising amount of energy!

I’m done with that shit.

Sharing His Innermost Thoughts With Someone Else

If you think this article is about whether or not men and woman can be platonic friends, you’ve totally missed the point.  It’s deeper than that. It’s about a fundamental inability or refusal by many men to choose women that can give them the emotional support and conversation they require.  Yes people choose all sorts of incompatible people, but this is one particular area in which it is crucial that a man pick the right woman. One thing that I understand about men is that men need to get their conversation and advisory counsel in relationships because they can’t go to their friends and regularly share intense feelings or emotions the way that women do.

Sample conversation between two men regarding a death in one man’s family:

[Man1: What’s up with you man, you all quiet and shit.

Man 2: Nah yo’ my grandma died…crazy man.

Man 1: Oh, that’s messed up! I hate to hear that, how she pass?

Man 2: Cancer. Yeah, she had it for years so we kinda knew…but still.

Man 1: Well let me know if I can do anything man. Keep your head up.

Man 2: Yeah, Thanks man.

*sigh*

I’m not saying that all men communicate in such an empty and uncomfortable manner (yes I am)…but simply put, women more fully.  My advice to men is easy to understand.

Couples Should Enjoy Each Other's Company

If you are a fanatic about a certain sport, why not find you a woman who likes that sport so you don’t have to argue about how much money or time you spend watching/going to the games. If you like to go to strip club and chill, why not find a woman who will accompany you or at least get a giggle out of the fact that you like it so much. If you know you like the club scene, don’t make a girlfriend out of the homebody intellectual who thinks clubs are for freaks and heathens. If you know you like to get out and explore outdoors don’t marry the girl spends all her spare time drinking and eating. And if you have ambitions to do and be a certain thing, share that with a woman BEFORE you commit in order to help her understand what a life with you would be like. That way she won’t be complaining about stuff she “shoulda knew” later on in the relationship.

You don’t have to have everything in common, but look at your life and the things you enjoy the most and find most important…pick a woman who can support those things, not just tolerate or -even worse- complaint about them. Everyday communications between two people in a couple should feel natural—some of you are straining.

Listen to me men, because at some point in time, us Girlfriend #2s are going to realized that we are being used and we will end that dynamic and find our OWN MAN to love and support and pretend to listen too, and then where will you be?

In the meantime, if you’re curious about whether you’ve been using me as a Girlfriend #2, please do not ask inquire. Just assume you have, and stop it.

Baller Alert gets the scoop on Khloe and Lamar Odom’s upcoming wedding.

Footage of Rihanna singing in high school surfaces. As a Rihanna fan I HAD to post this.

Slate Magazine advises a woman on how to deal with her new boyfriend who is COVERED from head to toe in…MOLES.

Newsweek reports on why the oldest people in the world are typically women.

But what do we know?

I will be honest, I could absolutely envision myself doing something like this. Since I’ve never met anyone that the shine didn’t wear off of within two weeks, on some level I feel like a month would be long enough for me to decide that I was willing to make it work with the first man who is respectful of men and can hold my interest longer than two dates and one disagreement. I’m not saying I would be in love with him. I’m not saying that I would know or understand him. But what I am saying is that I think it’s possible to just have a “feeling” about someone.

I don’t believe that love, honesty, or respect keep marriages together on a whole…I think that a genuine willingness on the part of both parties to make a relationship work is what keeps a marriage/relationship together. From that dedication grows the love, honesty, and respect that allow two people to be happy together.  How many of us know two people who love each other yet one or both always have one foot out the door? You have to want it.

Maybe Khloe and Lamar are having a publicity stunt moment. Maybe they’re getting married because they both have business ventures that they can help each other with. Or maybe they’re getting married b/c fuck it, they’re young and it seems like fun idea.  Doesn’t everyone have a different idea of what marriage should be?  One person’s idea of marriage might be love and romance, another person’s reason for marrying might be soley to have a family.

I find this union between Khloe and Lamar intriguing and confusing on many levels…the marriage within a month of meeting is the least of it.

Read more: www.singled-out.net |twitter.com/sojdanielle |facebook.com/jdanielle

I love to dance. I always have. And, actually, I’m pretty good. When I was really young, my parents would tape MJ and Janet videos for me. I’d spend hours and hours practicing to those tapes until I’d mastered every move down to the smallest hand motion.

When I got older, my friends and I started a singing group and we performed in talent shows. I’d watch hours of videos from different recording artists in order to choreograph our performance.

I went to my first real dance when I was a freshman in high school. I walked into the party and went straight to the middle of the dance floor where I believed I belonged given my dancing ability. I didn’t pay attention to the way other people were dancing, until an R. Kelly song came on, (I think it was, “It Seems Like You’re Ready), and one of the boys from my high school came up behind me, spun me around and tried to grind on me. I pushed him away and put my hands on his shoulders so that we were still dancing together but not touching. He said to me “That’s not how you dance, come on now.” I looked around and noticed that every couple dancing looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual experience. I turned to him and said, “Well, I don’t wanna dance then.” He muttered something about me being stuck up.

I didn’t care.

I would only grind on my man!!

As I’ve gotten older, the expectation that a man should be able to rub his crotch and hands up against my body just because I’m moving to the beat of a song and every other girl is doing it has gotten stronger. I can’t even the count the number of men who have approached me at a party and attempted to molest me. I use the term “molest” because I was told in elementary sexual education that molestation happens when a stranger touches you inappropriately. And I believe that every time a woman dances with a man in the club she is subjecting herself to a type of consensual molestation that is nontheless gross in my view.

I’ve never really be into the club scene and I believe this is the reason why. When I was in college I had girlfriends who also liked to dance. We’d all go to the middle of the dance floor together. But then they’d start dancing with some guys leaving me dancing happily alone. Well, as soon as I’d be alone someone would try to dance with me, taking all the fun out of an otherwise enjoyable night.

I hate that when I politely decline to dance with a man, they assume that I am rejecting them on an individual level. When, in fact, I am simply rejecting the practice of adult strangers humping on each other in public. If this same man would have stood facing me while we both did the dougie, everything would be fine…but men don’t want to dance with you unless they can put their unfamiliar hands in places only familiar hands should go.

Once I did try to dance with a man thinking, well, if all the other girls are doing it, maybe it’s not so bad. A guy moved in close behind me and put his hands on my hips as we rocked side to side. I wasn’t too disgusted at first, until he put his hand on my back and tried to push me forward as though he was “hittin’ it from the back.”

I realized then, that I don’t need to be doing what every other girl is doing. I mean other girls were wearing matching denim jackets and jeans and lining their lips with black liner and I wasn’t considering doing that. I was born an individual, and have decided to remain that way.

Nowadays when I go the club (a very rare occurrence) I stay off to the side and only dance on songs that really move me. If I had my wish I would be swag surfing and doing the Dallas boogie and the stanky leg all night. But unfortunately, I’m too afraid of being attacked. I wish I could dance with reckless abandon, not worrying about explaining my position on molestation; however, until that becomes reality I do the bulk of my dancing in my house or at Joy of Motion, the men there don’t mind keeping their hands to themselves.

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Written by JDanielle
Follow me on Twitter: Sojdanielle
Read more of my stuff: www.singled-out.net
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Letter love: SingleinAtlanta’s blog posts a letter to all black men from all black women and The Beautiful Struggler writes in Open Letter to Tyler Perry.

I have MAJOR issues with Tyler Perry’s Portrayals of women, in particular SINGLE BLACK woman. In Perry’s world, single black women are all struggling with children and drug habits or success has made them so arrogant and classless a man would never want to touch them. In either case, all we need to do is find a man who will rescue us.

Courtney Young writes a wonderful article on Perry for The Nation (my favorite magazine) and does a GREAT job of capturing many of my feelings on Tyler Perry and his work.

Tyler Perry’s “Daddy’s Little Girls” gives me the same feeling that this stereotypical, over the top and extremely offensive video I ran across on facebook originally uploaded to DimeWars provided me with.  To some it will be hilarious, to others like myself, it will be disturbing.  The video is entitled “The Adventures of Tameka the Arrogant African American Professional Who Can’t Keep Man.”  Darn, the title gives it all away!

Over on the blog, the newest article is on whether or not you could be Happily Single forever. I am curious to hear people’s thoughts. I hear some people say it they’d be fine, others like me…not so much.

In the comments, one woman said that she refused to lower her standards even if it meant that she would be single forever. She said if she finds someone, great, if not, that’s ok too. If I remember correctly, she cited her age as early 30s.

I used to think this way, but not anymore. Well, not quite, anyway. I could be happy alone forever, but I’d need a psychic to confirm that was my fate first.  My discontent with being single lies in the uncertainty of it all.  If psychic told me I’d always be single, it would change my life in many WONDERFUL ways. I felt momentary comfort at the thought of NEVER EVER EVER EVER having to date EVER AGAIN. I could stop wasting my time getting to know people and dealing with the inevitable and constant disappointment if knew that ultimately there was no real point. I’d also adopt two kids BEFORE I turn 30 rather than waiting until after I turn 30 just in case I meet someone with whom I could have a family. You can’t buy or psychologically force that kind of freedom.

Another great gift that a psychic could bestow on me by confirming that I’m never going to fall in love or get married is to free me from being impacted by other people’s opinions and statements on single life.  People could keep their stupid ass advice like don’t worry you’ll find someone, or when you stop looking that’s when you find a mate (this is all bullshit by the way), and if I knew I was going to be single I could just tell them that and point them to my psychic. I wouldn’t be tempted to read blogs on ways to meet people because I’d already know that none of the advice applied to me.  And most of all, I wouldn’t have to deal with some people’s hurtful reactions to me being single.

I was dating a guy who asked me the inevitable question, “when was your last relationship.” The truth is I’ve only been in one sort of relationship but it isn’t even worth counting, it didn’t last long and he was gone most of the time. So, to be totally accurate, I’ve never been in a relationship in a real sense and have been single since I started dating in high school. I hate answering this question because people are so judgmental. The person asking the question could have been in 10 relationships that all ended badly and they will still judge you even though, at this point, both of you are still single i.e. in the same boat.

But I digress. When he asked me the question, I answered honestly. Of course, he reacted badly. For the first time, I decided to ask why is never having been in a relationship or having been in love so terrible? And he said because, if you’ve been single that long that means that either nobody wanted you or you were too busy being a ho.

OUCH

People have different reasons for wanting to get married or be in a relationship. I am personally in need of a teammate. Someone who can help me make financial and career decisions, who I can call when I hear something funny or when someone makes me sad. Someone on whom I can bestow my growing need to nurture, and, of course, someone to have sex with on a regular basis, travel with and do activities….someone to grow old with and raise a family.

If you’re someone who wants that, what do you do without it? Obviously, you can be happy single. I am proof of that. But for how long?  It’s undeniable that GOOD/HAPPY relationships are invaluable even independent of marriage.  How would you feel if no one ever loves you that way again?

I’m googling for a psychic in my area right now.

Sidetreat:

Every time I’m upset about how a man has disappointed me, I realize my disappointments have been TRIVIAL compared to some.  Check out Dr. Michelle Callahan’s site. She answers a question from a reader who was literally robbed and financially ruined by his mate. He wonders if he will ever be able to date again or if he can just accept being alone. Made me sad!

The last time I saw my ring, I was coming back from spending the night at this guy’s house that I’ve been getting to know for a while.  I knew before I ever agreed to get together with him that night, that it was a mistake.  He doesn’t care anything about me, and I’m not sure what the attraction is on my end aside from the physical.

A year ago, I said that I was done with casual dating/sex and wanted something more serious. I thought that he might be someone that I could take my time and get to know and see where it goes.  But quickly, he showed himself to be a lot like other men…skiddish, suspicious, insecure, and convinced that he is a good man despite having no supporting evidence.

Even though the last time I saw my ring I was leaving his house, I still searched for it for 3 hours before texting him to see if I’d left it there.  Why? Because if I had left it at his house and he hadn’t seen it, I knew he wouldn’t care enough to look. Plus this was 3 days after I’d last seen him and he hadn’t bothered to call me. At all. For any reason.  Not even to see if I’m alive.

Men like him are the ultimate cheap accessory.

Although I want to be in a relationship, and I believe I have a lot to offer someone, I am still stuck in a cycle of meeting and dealing with men who are nothing but cheap accessories on an otherwise well-made  life. And I am starting to believe that, much like my fear of losing an expensive item keeps me in the frugal zone, the fear of finding a good man only to later lose him somehow is part of the reason why I’ve remained single so long. Not many truly good men have crossed my path, but the very few that have didn’t get the type of attention from me they probably deserved.

I remember shopping with my mom when I was little. She would never buy anything white, no matter how much she loved it. No matter how beautiful it was, she’d touch and stare at it, hang it back on the rack and leave it in the store because life gets messy, and she didn’t want to spill anything on it. White gets dirty fast. And sometimes it’s impossible to clean.

But is the fear of messing something up or losing something a reason to never acquire items (or people) you truly want to hold on to?  Relationships are messy. They get dirty fast, and sometimes, they are impossible to clean. But if it adds value to your life, shouldn’t you go for it anyway?

Losing the ring got me thinking. I only have 3 pieces of property in this world of any value: a 5 yr old German Shepherd, a 1 yr old Land Rover, and a missing diamond ring.  I am still paying for all 3. And each of them has caused me fear in some way. Fear of losing my ring (I have), fear of my dog dying (he will), and fear of losing my car to some economical hardship (I could).

But I don’t regret any of these purchases because I know that I shouldn’t let fear drive my decisionmaking.  Hopefully, one day I will meet a good man and it will be an offer I can’t refuse.  Until then dating remains a little scary.  And unfortunately I still have a couple cheap accessories that I need to lose.

Why Do Men Expect Women to Send them Sexy Photos and Why Do Women do it? I blog and I cram to understand.

In other News….

Beyonce and Brandy Go At it Virtual Style (Hilarity on YouTube!)

CNN Wonders if Marriage is for White People

Are Black women to Independent? [Of course not, but a bunch of black men brought it up]

Married Men Make More Money

Personally, I don’t mind the celeb photo leaks because celebrities spend a lot of time half naked in the press anyway. Plus, it’s not like someone is going to hold their sexy photos and sex tapes against them in a job interview. However, sexy photos can be a serious issue for regular people. And that’s why I don’t understand why men expect women to send them and why so many women comply.

A month or so ago, Tyra Banks aired a show on teenage girls (all white) who were sending photographs to their “boyfriends” (the term boyfriend was used VERY loosely). I started to feel bad for the myspace generation. The generation of girls who think that they are going to models and celebrities and who think that displaying scantily clad pictures of yourself in curious poses all over the innanets are the way to get ahead in society.

But then I realized that this issue is not just one for teenage girls, and certainly not one limited to white women. I’m 27 and in the past 2 months I have been asked by 3 separate men, none of whom I am married too…none of whom have paid nary a bill for me to send them “private pictures” via black berry messenger or by email.  The final straw was when, after getting to know a pretty famous baller over a few months, he asked me for a photo, and when I refused, it was over like that.

Now obviously, anyone who would drop me over a picture is certainly not the man I want in my life. However, it got me thinking.

On twitter, I posed a question to my male followers, “Do men now EXPECT women to send them naked/private pictures?” About 12 professional, over-25 yr old men answered me and said yes. 2 of them were celebrities. But the other 10 should know that a woman who sends such a picture is taking a risk. To be fair, all the men mentioned that trust should factor into a woman’s decision; however, I don’t think that any woman should trust any man that much, unless of course you’re married (You gotta have a little fun right?…or maybe not!).

What if he gets angry with you one day?

What if he loses his phone?

What if he throws his computer away without cleaning out the data?

What if his other girl or next girl goes into his email box and gets upset and sends them out?

There are just too many scenarios that make sending these types of photos more trouble than they’re worth.

Men are always saying that they want a woman who has “her own.” Well women who have “their own” get it by having careers which many times require they uphold their reputations and images.  It seems like these same men would understand why a woman would be concerned about exposing all her business to the public. I’m not saying that men shouldn’t ask, hell it never hurts to try! But to be angry when women don’t comply just shows that those men aren’t serious when they speak of desiring a quality woman.

I guess the point of me writing this is to try to understand why women agree to send the photos…one of my male friends said he thinks that women enjoy being admired by strangers, that it makes them feel good when they send a guy a picture and he’s complimentary. But that still doesn’t help me understand why they’re worth sending–especially when most of these girls don’t even have sense enough to leave their face out of the photo.

Please use the comment box to help me understand. And all of you females who are busy sending these guys sexy photos, please take a minute from messing up the game for the rest of us and explain why you do what you do. I promise not to judge…much.

Click here for the CRAZIEST sex tape story I’ve heard. A billionaire heiress is doing everything she can to keep her tape out the public. I must admit I am perplexed by this story. She’s already rich, who cares what anyone thinks? Or is she doing something REALLY humiliating in this video…if so what??? Cause if it were me, I’d be too busy spending money to worry about somebody putting out my sex tape. If you can’t live free as a billionaire I guess you never can…