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Archive for August, 2009
Cheap Accessories: Objects and People
Today I lost 4 carats of diamonds. I cried about it. Seriously, I cried. I usually only buy cheap accessories because I am afraid I’ll either break or lose them. I still remember the day I bought that ring…as the cashier rung it up, and I handed her my credit card, I kept thinking I should tell her to stop. I should put that ring back b/c 3 months from now I won’t know where it is. All I will have left of it is my credit card bill.
The last time I saw my ring, I was coming back from spending the night at this guy’s house that I’ve been getting to know for a while. I knew before I ever agreed to get together with him that night, that it was a mistake. He doesn’t care anything about me, and I’m not sure what the attraction is on my end aside from the physical.
A year ago, I said that I was done with casual dating/sex and wanted something more serious. I thought that he might be someone that I could take my time and get to know and see where it goes. But quickly, he showed himself to be a lot like other men…skiddish, suspicious, insecure, and convinced that he is a good man despite having no supporting evidence.
Even though the last time I saw my ring I was leaving his house, I still searched for it for 3 hours before texting him to see if I’d left it there. Why? Because if I had left it at his house and he hadn’t seen it, I knew he wouldn’t care enough to look. Plus this was 3 days after I’d last seen him and he hadn’t bothered to call me. At all. For any reason. Not even to see if I’m alive.
Men like him are the ultimate cheap accessory.
Although I want to be in a relationship, and I believe I have a lot to offer someone, I am still stuck in a cycle of meeting and dealing with men who are nothing but cheap accessories on an otherwise well-made life. And I am starting to believe that, much like my fear of losing an expensive item keeps me in the frugal zone, the fear of finding a good man only to later lose him somehow is part of the reason why I’ve remained single so long. Not many truly good men have crossed my path, but the very few that have didn’t get the type of attention from me they probably deserved.
I remember shopping with my mom when I was little. She would never buy anything white, no matter how much she loved it. No matter how beautiful it was, she’d touch and stare at it, hang it back on the rack and leave it in the store because life gets messy, and she didn’t want to spill anything on it. White gets dirty fast. And sometimes it’s impossible to clean.
But is the fear of messing something up or losing something a reason to never acquire items (or people) you truly want to hold on to? Relationships are messy. They get dirty fast, and sometimes, they are impossible to clean. But if it adds value to your life, shouldn’t you go for it anyway?
Losing the ring got me thinking. I only have 3 pieces of property in this world of any value: a 5 yr old German Shepherd, a 1 yr old Land Rover, and a missing diamond ring. I am still paying for all 3. And each of them has caused me fear in some way. Fear of losing my ring (I have), fear of my dog dying (he will), and fear of losing my car to some economical hardship (I could).
But I don’t regret any of these purchases because I know that I shouldn’t let fear drive my decisionmaking. Hopefully, one day I will meet a good man and it will be an offer I can’t refuse. Until then dating remains a little scary. And unfortunately I still have a couple cheap accessories that I need to lose.
Today in Singled-Out 8-26-09
Lots of Interesting Stuff Today…
Why Do Men Expect Women to Send them Sexy Photos and Why Do Women do it? I blog and I cram to understand.
In other News….
Beyonce and Brandy Go At it Virtual Style (Hilarity on YouTube!)
CNN Wonders if Marriage is for White People
Are Black women to Independent? [Of course not, but a bunch of black men brought it up]
Stop Asking Me for Sexy [Naked] Photos!!!!!
We’ve all seen, or at least heard about, the naked pictures of Rihanna, Cassie, Jamie Foxx, Santonio Holmes, Dorian (Pause) from BET, Vanessa Hudgens, ALLEGEDLY Dwight Howard, more recently Naomi’s mutilated-looking parts…and any number of other celebrities who have had private photos leak. And, predictably, every time one of these photos leak someone writes a self-righteous post about how silly these celebs are to ever take the photos in the first place.
Personally, I don’t mind the celeb photo leaks because celebrities spend a lot of time half naked in the press anyway. Plus, it’s not like someone is going to hold their sexy photos and sex tapes against them in a job interview. However, sexy photos can be a serious issue for regular people. And that’s why I don’t understand why men expect women to send them and why so many women comply.
A month or so ago, Tyra Banks aired a show on teenage girls (all white) who were sending photographs to their “boyfriends” (the term boyfriend was used VERY loosely). I started to feel bad for the myspace generation. The generation of girls who think that they are going to models and celebrities and who think that displaying scantily clad pictures of yourself in curious poses all over the innanets are the way to get ahead in society.
But then I realized that this issue is not just one for teenage girls, and certainly not one limited to white women. I’m 27 and in the past 2 months I have been asked by 3 separate men, none of whom I am married too…none of whom have paid nary a bill for me to send them “private pictures” via black berry messenger or by email. The final straw was when, after getting to know a pretty famous baller over a few months, he asked me for a photo, and when I refused, it was over like that.
Now obviously, anyone who would drop me over a picture is certainly not the man I want in my life. However, it got me thinking.
On twitter, I posed a question to my male followers, “Do men now EXPECT women to send them naked/private pictures?” About 12 professional, over-25 yr old men answered me and said yes. 2 of them were celebrities. But the other 10 should know that a woman who sends such a picture is taking a risk. To be fair, all the men mentioned that trust should factor into a woman’s decision; however, I don’t think that any woman should trust any man that much, unless of course you’re married (You gotta have a little fun right?…or maybe not!).
What if he gets angry with you one day?
What if he loses his phone?
What if he throws his computer away without cleaning out the data?
What if his other girl or next girl goes into his email box and gets upset and sends them out?
There are just too many scenarios that make sending these types of photos more trouble than they’re worth.
Men are always saying that they want a woman who has “her own.” Well women who have “their own” get it by having careers which many times require they uphold their reputations and images. It seems like these same men would understand why a woman would be concerned about exposing all her business to the public. I’m not saying that men shouldn’t ask, hell it never hurts to try! But to be angry when women don’t comply just shows that those men aren’t serious when they speak of desiring a quality woman.
I guess the point of me writing this is to try to understand why women agree to send the photos…one of my male friends said he thinks that women enjoy being admired by strangers, that it makes them feel good when they send a guy a picture and he’s complimentary. But that still doesn’t help me understand why they’re worth sending–especially when most of these girls don’t even have sense enough to leave their face out of the photo.
Please use the comment box to help me understand. And all of you females who are busy sending these guys sexy photos, please take a minute from messing up the game for the rest of us and explain why you do what you do. I promise not to judge…much.
Click here for the CRAZIEST sex tape story I’ve heard. A billionaire heiress is doing everything she can to keep her tape out the public. I must admit I am perplexed by this story. She’s already rich, who cares what anyone thinks? Or is she doing something REALLY humiliating in this video…if so what??? Cause if it were me, I’d be too busy spending money to worry about somebody putting out my sex tape. If you can’t live free as a billionaire I guess you never can…
Interracial Dating: Black Women Aren’t Angry…Just Jealous!
I believe that black women are not angry that black men choose to date women of other races. I believe that black women are jealous of the fact that black men have more freedom than they do to make such a choice.
When black females snipe about interracial dating it’s usually because traditionally black men have BLAMED black women for their DECISION to date interracially. And, most importantly, because men of other races don’t pursue black females like white and other women want pursue black males.
Basically black females have displaced jealousy that comes across as anger. If Roco, Matt, Juan, Giovanni, Kamir, and Biff were dating pursuing black women in HEAVY numbers you wouldn’t hear a PEEP out of black women when it comes to black men dating outside the race. Black girls wouldn’t have time to comment, they’d be too busy sampling all the tasty flavors.
But alas that is not the case. Black men in America are held up as the standard of masculinity. Everybody wants to give people dap and listen to Jay-z cause the cool black guys around the corner are doing it. Unfortunately, black women aren’t held up as the standard of femininity. It is very difficult for black women to overcome the personality stereotypes.
Photo via cdn.theurbandaily.com/
There are plenty of relationships in which women bring the chocolate to the party, check this post over at balleralert.com for a taste. But the fact remains that those “other” men are not approaching or as interested in black women as their women are in black men.
In other words, it’s not fair!
Back men contribute to this problem by picking up the degrading language in rap songs and speaking as though they are living a similar lifestyle. I can forgive many rap stars for their words because they actually live the life they are talking about. They actually are approached frequently by promiscuous females. They actually are aggressively pursued by girls who want them just because of their fame or money.
But most men aren’t dealing with these types of women.
Photo via Vibe.com
Yet too many black men speak as though they live the lifestyle of some famous rapper or well-known professional athlete. Too often I hear men with no gold complaining about gold diggers. Men with no group criticizing groupies! Men who are in need of sex calling women whores. I often wonder what they even know about it??
The answer is NOTHING.
Nevertheless, when black women see a black man with a woman who isn’t black, they should train themselves not to care. That includes when you view a blog on Terrell Owens or any other eligible celebrity black bachelor and his latest non-black conquest. Keep your comment to yourself. You will feel better and be better for it. Not all black men who date interracially believe negative things about black women, and if they do, that’s an issue for them to figure out, not one for you to point out. Chalk it up to a loss. On the other hand, black men must stop putting black women down to defend their choice to date interracially. The truth is it’s not headscarves, values, morals, or attitudes that make black men date outside their race. It’s simply a personal choice that doesn’t require defending.
Finally, black women should aggressively explore other races of men as potential mates to assist in ridding themselves of that “All the black men are gay, taken, or dating women of other races” feeling. I recommend the, “if you can’t beat’em, join’em” approach. Try happy hour with the white people. Do brunch at the Asian fusion restaurant. Show these South Asian men how sweet and nice you are. Check the “race doesn’t matter” box on your Eharmony profile.
Everyone should know that black women are approachable, generous, and know how to work with their men and support them so they can reach their dreams, just like any other race of women. Remember when the First Lady was first introduced to the public? Certain groups of Americans were determined to paint her as an angry person. She refused to let it stick, so should you.
Anyone who says the numbers of marriageable black men in this country aren’t low is a damn uneducated fool. However, a black woman’s power to increase the odds of her getting married and bearing children within a marriage is in her own hands. Though it may require thinking outside of the box…or at least checking a different one.