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Today I lost 4 carats of diamonds. I cried about it. Seriously, I cried. I usually only buy cheap accessories because I am afraid I’ll either break or lose them. I still remember the day I bought that ring…as the cashier rung it up, and I handed her my credit card, I kept thinking I should tell her to stop. I should put that ring back b/c 3 months from now I won’t know where it is. All I will have left of it is my credit card bill.

The last time I saw my ring, I was coming back from spending the night at this guy’s house that I’ve been getting to know for a while.  I knew before I ever agreed to get together with him that night, that it was a mistake.  He doesn’t care anything about me, and I’m not sure what the attraction is on my end aside from the physical.

A year ago, I said that I was done with casual dating/sex and wanted something more serious. I thought that he might be someone that I could take my time and get to know and see where it goes.  But quickly, he showed himself to be a lot like other men…skiddish, suspicious, insecure, and convinced that he is a good man despite having no supporting evidence.

Even though the last time I saw my ring I was leaving his house, I still searched for it for 3 hours before texting him to see if I’d left it there.  Why? Because if I had left it at his house and he hadn’t seen it, I knew he wouldn’t care enough to look. Plus this was 3 days after I’d last seen him and he hadn’t bothered to call me. At all. For any reason.  Not even to see if I’m alive.

Men like him are the ultimate cheap accessory.

Although I want to be in a relationship, and I believe I have a lot to offer someone, I am still stuck in a cycle of meeting and dealing with men who are nothing but cheap accessories on an otherwise well-made  life. And I am starting to believe that, much like my fear of losing an expensive item keeps me in the frugal zone, the fear of finding a good man only to later lose him somehow is part of the reason why I’ve remained single so long. Not many truly good men have crossed my path, but the very few that have didn’t get the type of attention from me they probably deserved.

I remember shopping with my mom when I was little. She would never buy anything white, no matter how much she loved it. No matter how beautiful it was, she’d touch and stare at it, hang it back on the rack and leave it in the store because life gets messy, and she didn’t want to spill anything on it. White gets dirty fast. And sometimes it’s impossible to clean.

But is the fear of messing something up or losing something a reason to never acquire items (or people) you truly want to hold on to?  Relationships are messy. They get dirty fast, and sometimes, they are impossible to clean. But if it adds value to your life, shouldn’t you go for it anyway?

Losing the ring got me thinking. I only have 3 pieces of property in this world of any value: a 5 yr old German Shepherd, a 1 yr old Land Rover, and a missing diamond ring.  I am still paying for all 3. And each of them has caused me fear in some way. Fear of losing my ring (I have), fear of my dog dying (he will), and fear of losing my car to some economical hardship (I could).

But I don’t regret any of these purchases because I know that I shouldn’t let fear drive my decisionmaking.  Hopefully, one day I will meet a good man and it will be an offer I can’t refuse.  Until then dating remains a little scary.  And unfortunately I still have a couple cheap accessories that I need to lose.