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Posts Tagged ‘Committment’
Tired of Being Girlfriend #2
When Pleasure P sang about Boyfriend #2 he described such a person as the man in a committed woman’s life who fulfills the sexual needs that her boyfriend/husband can’t or won’t. I love the song although I don’t believe that most women are sexual cheaters so much as emotional cheaters. If I’m in a relationship with someone, why do I need yet another man to “lay back while I do” him?
Most likely, what I’m missing is someone to spend time with me, to talk about the things that are going on my life, and perhaps even to flirt with me while giving me relationship advice. Technically, these are all things that any partner to whom you’re committed should do. But as we know, these are often the very types of behaviors that are lacking in relationships.
Getting these needs met in a relationship is the main area in which I see most of the men I know fail. For some reason, my male friends, cousins, and associates seem to almost deliberately choose women that they can’t talk to…about anything…at all…ever. I’ve seen some men who are blinded by looks, others who pick girls based on what they’re friends will say, some who are so afraid of rejection they only date girls who chase them (safe bets), and still others who really have no excuse for choosing women who are incompatible with them on a basic level.
Too many men in my life have sought to fill in the gaps of their sorry ass relationships by using me as Girlfriend #2. I have had men who were in committed relationships with OTHER women call me first when they got a promotion or wanted to share some other exciting news, ask me instead of their woman what they should do about a financial or work issue, or even spend hours on the phone or over IM with me listening to music or chatting about sports all the while allowing an undercurrent of flirtation to persist. I believe that I have spent so much time being Girlfriend #2, that it has kept me from my goal of being Girlfriend #1. Being Girlfriend #2 takes a surprising amount of energy!
I’m done with that shit.
Sharing His Innermost Thoughts With Someone Else
If you think this article is about whether or not men and woman can be platonic friends, you’ve totally missed the point. It’s deeper than that. It’s about a fundamental inability or refusal by many men to choose women that can give them the emotional support and conversation they require. Yes people choose all sorts of incompatible people, but this is one particular area in which it is crucial that a man pick the right woman. One thing that I understand about men is that men need to get their conversation and advisory counsel in relationships because they can’t go to their friends and regularly share intense feelings or emotions the way that women do.
Sample conversation between two men regarding a death in one man’s family:
[Man1: What’s up with you man, you all quiet and shit.
Man 2: Nah yo’ my grandma died…crazy man.
Man 1: Oh, that’s messed up! I hate to hear that, how she pass?
Man 2: Cancer. Yeah, she had it for years so we kinda knew…but still.
Man 1: Well let me know if I can do anything man. Keep your head up.
Man 2: Yeah, Thanks man.
*sigh*
I’m not saying that all men communicate in such an empty and uncomfortable manner (yes I am)…but simply put, women more fully. My advice to men is easy to understand.
Couples Should Enjoy Each Other's Company
If you are a fanatic about a certain sport, why not find you a woman who likes that sport so you don’t have to argue about how much money or time you spend watching/going to the games. If you like to go to strip club and chill, why not find a woman who will accompany you or at least get a giggle out of the fact that you like it so much. If you know you like the club scene, don’t make a girlfriend out of the homebody intellectual who thinks clubs are for freaks and heathens. If you know you like to get out and explore outdoors don’t marry the girl spends all her spare time drinking and eating. And if you have ambitions to do and be a certain thing, share that with a woman BEFORE you commit in order to help her understand what a life with you would be like. That way she won’t be complaining about stuff she “shoulda knew” later on in the relationship.
You don’t have to have everything in common, but look at your life and the things you enjoy the most and find most important…pick a woman who can support those things, not just tolerate or -even worse- complaint about them. Everyday communications between two people in a couple should feel natural—some of you are straining.
Listen to me men, because at some point in time, us Girlfriend #2s are going to realized that we are being used and we will end that dynamic and find our OWN MAN to love and support and pretend to listen too, and then where will you be?
In the meantime, if you’re curious about whether you’ve been using me as a Girlfriend #2, please do not ask inquire. Just assume you have, and stop it.
How Soon Is Too Soon? Could you be like Khloe and Lamar?
So this week Baller Alert reported that Khloe Kardashian (Kim’s younger sister) is set to marry NBA Baller Lamar Odom this Sunday (9/27/09) after only ONE month of dating. Of course, most people’s reaction to this news has been mocking. Here’s Khloe, a serial baller-dater and Lamar yet another baller who didn’t make the mother of his children his wife in all the 12 years they were reportedly together. Other media outlets are already reporting that Lamar and Khloe will have a spinoff show after their wedding is taped on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” All these rumors and the circumstances surrounding their relationship don’t exactly give anyone the feeling that this is going to be a lasting union.
But what do we know?
I will be honest, I could absolutely envision myself doing something like this. Since I’ve never met anyone that the shine didn’t wear off of within two weeks, on some level I feel like a month would be long enough for me to decide that I was willing to make it work with the first man who is respectful of men and can hold my interest longer than two dates and one disagreement. I’m not saying I would be in love with him. I’m not saying that I would know or understand him. But what I am saying is that I think it’s possible to just have a “feeling” about someone.
I don’t believe that love, honesty, or respect keep marriages together on a whole…I think that a genuine willingness on the part of both parties to make a relationship work is what keeps a marriage/relationship together. From that dedication grows the love, honesty, and respect that allow two people to be happy together. How many of us know two people who love each other yet one or both always have one foot out the door? You have to want it.
Maybe Khloe and Lamar are having a publicity stunt moment. Maybe they’re getting married because they both have business ventures that they can help each other with. Or maybe they’re getting married b/c fuck it, they’re young and it seems like fun idea. Doesn’t everyone have a different idea of what marriage should be? One person’s idea of marriage might be love and romance, another person’s reason for marrying might be soley to have a family.
I find this union between Khloe and Lamar intriguing and confusing on many levels…the marriage within a month of meeting is the least of it.
Read more: www.singled-out.net |twitter.com/sojdanielle |facebook.com/jdanielle
Could you be happy single forever?
One of my friends had a facebook status about whether or not women should higher or lower their standards in dating. It was one of those random nothing questions I hate (and try not to do in my blog) that always sparks a male vs. female controversial and stereotypical debate (which I also hate).
In the comments, one woman said that she refused to lower her standards even if it meant that she would be single forever. She said if she finds someone, great, if not, that’s ok too. If I remember correctly, she cited her age as early 30s.
I used to think this way, but not anymore. Well, not quite, anyway. I could be happy alone forever, but I’d need a psychic to confirm that was my fate first. My discontent with being single lies in the uncertainty of it all. If psychic told me I’d always be single, it would change my life in many WONDERFUL ways. I felt momentary comfort at the thought of NEVER EVER EVER EVER having to date EVER AGAIN. I could stop wasting my time getting to know people and dealing with the inevitable and constant disappointment if knew that ultimately there was no real point. I’d also adopt two kids BEFORE I turn 30 rather than waiting until after I turn 30 just in case I meet someone with whom I could have a family. You can’t buy or psychologically force that kind of freedom.
Another great gift that a psychic could bestow on me by confirming that I’m never going to fall in love or get married is to free me from being impacted by other people’s opinions and statements on single life. People could keep their stupid ass advice like don’t worry you’ll find someone, or when you stop looking that’s when you find a mate (this is all bullshit by the way), and if I knew I was going to be single I could just tell them that and point them to my psychic. I wouldn’t be tempted to read blogs on ways to meet people because I’d already know that none of the advice applied to me. And most of all, I wouldn’t have to deal with some people’s hurtful reactions to me being single.
I was dating a guy who asked me the inevitable question, “when was your last relationship.” The truth is I’ve only been in one sort of relationship but it isn’t even worth counting, it didn’t last long and he was gone most of the time. So, to be totally accurate, I’ve never been in a relationship in a real sense and have been single since I started dating in high school. I hate answering this question because people are so judgmental. The person asking the question could have been in 10 relationships that all ended badly and they will still judge you even though, at this point, both of you are still single i.e. in the same boat.
But I digress. When he asked me the question, I answered honestly. Of course, he reacted badly. For the first time, I decided to ask why is never having been in a relationship or having been in love so terrible? And he said because, if you’ve been single that long that means that either nobody wanted you or you were too busy being a ho.
OUCH
People have different reasons for wanting to get married or be in a relationship. I am personally in need of a teammate. Someone who can help me make financial and career decisions, who I can call when I hear something funny or when someone makes me sad. Someone on whom I can bestow my growing need to nurture, and, of course, someone to have sex with on a regular basis, travel with and do activities….someone to grow old with and raise a family.
If you’re someone who wants that, what do you do without it? Obviously, you can be happy single. I am proof of that. But for how long? It’s undeniable that GOOD/HAPPY relationships are invaluable even independent of marriage. How would you feel if no one ever loves you that way again?
I’m googling for a psychic in my area right now.
Sidetreat:
Every time I’m upset about how a man has disappointed me, I realize my disappointments have been TRIVIAL compared to some. Check out Dr. Michelle Callahan’s site. She answers a question from a reader who was literally robbed and financially ruined by his mate. He wonders if he will ever be able to date again or if he can just accept being alone. Made me sad!
Cheap Accessories: Objects and People
Today I lost 4 carats of diamonds. I cried about it. Seriously, I cried. I usually only buy cheap accessories because I am afraid I’ll either break or lose them. I still remember the day I bought that ring…as the cashier rung it up, and I handed her my credit card, I kept thinking I should tell her to stop. I should put that ring back b/c 3 months from now I won’t know where it is. All I will have left of it is my credit card bill.
The last time I saw my ring, I was coming back from spending the night at this guy’s house that I’ve been getting to know for a while. I knew before I ever agreed to get together with him that night, that it was a mistake. He doesn’t care anything about me, and I’m not sure what the attraction is on my end aside from the physical.
A year ago, I said that I was done with casual dating/sex and wanted something more serious. I thought that he might be someone that I could take my time and get to know and see where it goes. But quickly, he showed himself to be a lot like other men…skiddish, suspicious, insecure, and convinced that he is a good man despite having no supporting evidence.
Even though the last time I saw my ring I was leaving his house, I still searched for it for 3 hours before texting him to see if I’d left it there. Why? Because if I had left it at his house and he hadn’t seen it, I knew he wouldn’t care enough to look. Plus this was 3 days after I’d last seen him and he hadn’t bothered to call me. At all. For any reason. Not even to see if I’m alive.
Men like him are the ultimate cheap accessory.
Although I want to be in a relationship, and I believe I have a lot to offer someone, I am still stuck in a cycle of meeting and dealing with men who are nothing but cheap accessories on an otherwise well-made life. And I am starting to believe that, much like my fear of losing an expensive item keeps me in the frugal zone, the fear of finding a good man only to later lose him somehow is part of the reason why I’ve remained single so long. Not many truly good men have crossed my path, but the very few that have didn’t get the type of attention from me they probably deserved.
I remember shopping with my mom when I was little. She would never buy anything white, no matter how much she loved it. No matter how beautiful it was, she’d touch and stare at it, hang it back on the rack and leave it in the store because life gets messy, and she didn’t want to spill anything on it. White gets dirty fast. And sometimes it’s impossible to clean.
But is the fear of messing something up or losing something a reason to never acquire items (or people) you truly want to hold on to? Relationships are messy. They get dirty fast, and sometimes, they are impossible to clean. But if it adds value to your life, shouldn’t you go for it anyway?
Losing the ring got me thinking. I only have 3 pieces of property in this world of any value: a 5 yr old German Shepherd, a 1 yr old Land Rover, and a missing diamond ring. I am still paying for all 3. And each of them has caused me fear in some way. Fear of losing my ring (I have), fear of my dog dying (he will), and fear of losing my car to some economical hardship (I could).
But I don’t regret any of these purchases because I know that I shouldn’t let fear drive my decisionmaking. Hopefully, one day I will meet a good man and it will be an offer I can’t refuse. Until then dating remains a little scary. And unfortunately I still have a couple cheap accessories that I need to lose.
Choosing a man/Buying Peanut Butter = Same Thing
I have always hated making decisions.
When I get married I plan to defer all decisions to my husband. I will be submissive and controlled.
Decisions are stressful for me. Simple ones like whether to buy a shirt in red or blue are paralyzing. When I’m shopping and I’m faced with such a difficult choice I typically give up and choose neither. I’d rather make no choice at all then to make the wrong one.
Inevitably, when I leave the store I wonder if not making a choice was actually, in fact, making a bad choice.
My lack of decisionmaking prowess is an issue every month when I shop for peanut butter. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER. I keep one jar of peanut butter at work, and the other jar in my bed. Yes, in my bed. PB is high protein filling, and delicious. If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I feel around for my peanut butter, pop the jar open, grab the spoon wrapped in a napkin on top of my nightstand and dig in. I keep a bottle of water on my nightstand as well for these emergencies.
Since I love PB sooooo much, you would think I prefer a particular brand. I don’t. Every month when I purchase two jars of peanut butter I compare price with chunky vs. creamy. Then I try to remember all the brands that were killing people. I try to avoid those, but if they are really tasty I’ll buy them anyway. I can’t commit to a PB in fact, I can barely choose a PB to settle on. I’ve stood in the PB aisle for up to 20 minutes and just ended up grabbing the 2 PBs closest to me. I can tell you right now, just grabbing the nearest 2 resulted in regret many times. So now when I can’t make a decision, much like shirt shopping, I leave the store without PB in tow knowing damn well I don’t like to sleep without it!
I have the same relationship with men that I have with peanut butter.
So many choices…so many possibilities…so hard to choose one. And when I can’t, I ditch them all and start over. I’m either with a lot of peanut butter, I mean men, or without any! In other words, I’m either not dating anyone at all or dating like 7 people I can’t keep straight or choose between.
Everytime I meet a man I compare tall vs. short, skinny vs. chunky…one minute I’m in the mood for Clinton Portis, next minute I’m in the mood for Robert from Day 26—no correlation at all. But unlike a jar of peanut butter, you can’t just hurry up and finish a man so you can try a new one.
All I need is 2 spoonfuls of PB to know if I like it, with men, it takes much longer to figure out if this is one of those brands that be killing people…or, if the time/emotional price is too much to pay for a sampling. All of these questions come in to play when I consider committing to a product or a relationship.
Right now none of the men that I am getting to know have enough of the right qualities…I have a feeling I need to ditch this bunch and try something new. A couple months ago, I tried almond butter and nutella to replace peanut butter. I liked it.
Not sure what the metaphorical equivalent is when it comes to men…but until I solve my PB commitment issues, I think my relationship commitment issues will persist.
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