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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’
How Soon Is Too Soon? Could you be like Khloe and Lamar?
So this week Baller Alert reported that Khloe Kardashian (Kim’s younger sister) is set to marry NBA Baller Lamar Odom this Sunday (9/27/09) after only ONE month of dating. Of course, most people’s reaction to this news has been mocking. Here’s Khloe, a serial baller-dater and Lamar yet another baller who didn’t make the mother of his children his wife in all the 12 years they were reportedly together. Other media outlets are already reporting that Lamar and Khloe will have a spinoff show after their wedding is taped on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians.” All these rumors and the circumstances surrounding their relationship don’t exactly give anyone the feeling that this is going to be a lasting union.
But what do we know?
I will be honest, I could absolutely envision myself doing something like this. Since I’ve never met anyone that the shine didn’t wear off of within two weeks, on some level I feel like a month would be long enough for me to decide that I was willing to make it work with the first man who is respectful of men and can hold my interest longer than two dates and one disagreement. I’m not saying I would be in love with him. I’m not saying that I would know or understand him. But what I am saying is that I think it’s possible to just have a “feeling” about someone.
I don’t believe that love, honesty, or respect keep marriages together on a whole…I think that a genuine willingness on the part of both parties to make a relationship work is what keeps a marriage/relationship together. From that dedication grows the love, honesty, and respect that allow two people to be happy together. How many of us know two people who love each other yet one or both always have one foot out the door? You have to want it.
Maybe Khloe and Lamar are having a publicity stunt moment. Maybe they’re getting married because they both have business ventures that they can help each other with. Or maybe they’re getting married b/c fuck it, they’re young and it seems like fun idea. Doesn’t everyone have a different idea of what marriage should be? One person’s idea of marriage might be love and romance, another person’s reason for marrying might be soley to have a family.
I find this union between Khloe and Lamar intriguing and confusing on many levels…the marriage within a month of meeting is the least of it.
Read more: www.singled-out.net |twitter.com/sojdanielle |facebook.com/jdanielle
Could you be happy single forever?
One of my friends had a facebook status about whether or not women should higher or lower their standards in dating. It was one of those random nothing questions I hate (and try not to do in my blog) that always sparks a male vs. female controversial and stereotypical debate (which I also hate).
In the comments, one woman said that she refused to lower her standards even if it meant that she would be single forever. She said if she finds someone, great, if not, that’s ok too. If I remember correctly, she cited her age as early 30s.
I used to think this way, but not anymore. Well, not quite, anyway. I could be happy alone forever, but I’d need a psychic to confirm that was my fate first. My discontent with being single lies in the uncertainty of it all. If psychic told me I’d always be single, it would change my life in many WONDERFUL ways. I felt momentary comfort at the thought of NEVER EVER EVER EVER having to date EVER AGAIN. I could stop wasting my time getting to know people and dealing with the inevitable and constant disappointment if knew that ultimately there was no real point. I’d also adopt two kids BEFORE I turn 30 rather than waiting until after I turn 30 just in case I meet someone with whom I could have a family. You can’t buy or psychologically force that kind of freedom.
Another great gift that a psychic could bestow on me by confirming that I’m never going to fall in love or get married is to free me from being impacted by other people’s opinions and statements on single life. People could keep their stupid ass advice like don’t worry you’ll find someone, or when you stop looking that’s when you find a mate (this is all bullshit by the way), and if I knew I was going to be single I could just tell them that and point them to my psychic. I wouldn’t be tempted to read blogs on ways to meet people because I’d already know that none of the advice applied to me. And most of all, I wouldn’t have to deal with some people’s hurtful reactions to me being single.
I was dating a guy who asked me the inevitable question, “when was your last relationship.” The truth is I’ve only been in one sort of relationship but it isn’t even worth counting, it didn’t last long and he was gone most of the time. So, to be totally accurate, I’ve never been in a relationship in a real sense and have been single since I started dating in high school. I hate answering this question because people are so judgmental. The person asking the question could have been in 10 relationships that all ended badly and they will still judge you even though, at this point, both of you are still single i.e. in the same boat.
But I digress. When he asked me the question, I answered honestly. Of course, he reacted badly. For the first time, I decided to ask why is never having been in a relationship or having been in love so terrible? And he said because, if you’ve been single that long that means that either nobody wanted you or you were too busy being a ho.
OUCH
People have different reasons for wanting to get married or be in a relationship. I am personally in need of a teammate. Someone who can help me make financial and career decisions, who I can call when I hear something funny or when someone makes me sad. Someone on whom I can bestow my growing need to nurture, and, of course, someone to have sex with on a regular basis, travel with and do activities….someone to grow old with and raise a family.
If you’re someone who wants that, what do you do without it? Obviously, you can be happy single. I am proof of that. But for how long? It’s undeniable that GOOD/HAPPY relationships are invaluable even independent of marriage. How would you feel if no one ever loves you that way again?
I’m googling for a psychic in my area right now.
Sidetreat:
Every time I’m upset about how a man has disappointed me, I realize my disappointments have been TRIVIAL compared to some. Check out Dr. Michelle Callahan’s site. She answers a question from a reader who was literally robbed and financially ruined by his mate. He wonders if he will ever be able to date again or if he can just accept being alone. Made me sad!
Interracial Dating: Black Women Aren’t Angry…Just Jealous!
I believe that black women are not angry that black men choose to date women of other races. I believe that black women are jealous of the fact that black men have more freedom than they do to make such a choice.
When black females snipe about interracial dating it’s usually because traditionally black men have BLAMED black women for their DECISION to date interracially. And, most importantly, because men of other races don’t pursue black females like white and other women want pursue black males.
Basically black females have displaced jealousy that comes across as anger. If Roco, Matt, Juan, Giovanni, Kamir, and Biff were dating pursuing black women in HEAVY numbers you wouldn’t hear a PEEP out of black women when it comes to black men dating outside the race. Black girls wouldn’t have time to comment, they’d be too busy sampling all the tasty flavors.
But alas that is not the case. Black men in America are held up as the standard of masculinity. Everybody wants to give people dap and listen to Jay-z cause the cool black guys around the corner are doing it. Unfortunately, black women aren’t held up as the standard of femininity. It is very difficult for black women to overcome the personality stereotypes.
Photo via cdn.theurbandaily.com/
There are plenty of relationships in which women bring the chocolate to the party, check this post over at balleralert.com for a taste. But the fact remains that those “other” men are not approaching or as interested in black women as their women are in black men.
In other words, it’s not fair!
Back men contribute to this problem by picking up the degrading language in rap songs and speaking as though they are living a similar lifestyle. I can forgive many rap stars for their words because they actually live the life they are talking about. They actually are approached frequently by promiscuous females. They actually are aggressively pursued by girls who want them just because of their fame or money.
But most men aren’t dealing with these types of women.
Photo via Vibe.com
Yet too many black men speak as though they live the lifestyle of some famous rapper or well-known professional athlete. Too often I hear men with no gold complaining about gold diggers. Men with no group criticizing groupies! Men who are in need of sex calling women whores. I often wonder what they even know about it??
The answer is NOTHING.
Nevertheless, when black women see a black man with a woman who isn’t black, they should train themselves not to care. That includes when you view a blog on Terrell Owens or any other eligible celebrity black bachelor and his latest non-black conquest. Keep your comment to yourself. You will feel better and be better for it. Not all black men who date interracially believe negative things about black women, and if they do, that’s an issue for them to figure out, not one for you to point out. Chalk it up to a loss. On the other hand, black men must stop putting black women down to defend their choice to date interracially. The truth is it’s not headscarves, values, morals, or attitudes that make black men date outside their race. It’s simply a personal choice that doesn’t require defending.
Finally, black women should aggressively explore other races of men as potential mates to assist in ridding themselves of that “All the black men are gay, taken, or dating women of other races” feeling. I recommend the, “if you can’t beat’em, join’em” approach. Try happy hour with the white people. Do brunch at the Asian fusion restaurant. Show these South Asian men how sweet and nice you are. Check the “race doesn’t matter” box on your Eharmony profile.
Everyone should know that black women are approachable, generous, and know how to work with their men and support them so they can reach their dreams, just like any other race of women. Remember when the First Lady was first introduced to the public? Certain groups of Americans were determined to paint her as an angry person. She refused to let it stick, so should you.
Anyone who says the numbers of marriageable black men in this country aren’t low is a damn uneducated fool. However, a black woman’s power to increase the odds of her getting married and bearing children within a marriage is in her own hands. Though it may require thinking outside of the box…or at least checking a different one.
Choosing a man/Buying Peanut Butter = Same Thing
I have always hated making decisions.
When I get married I plan to defer all decisions to my husband. I will be submissive and controlled.
Decisions are stressful for me. Simple ones like whether to buy a shirt in red or blue are paralyzing. When I’m shopping and I’m faced with such a difficult choice I typically give up and choose neither. I’d rather make no choice at all then to make the wrong one.
Inevitably, when I leave the store I wonder if not making a choice was actually, in fact, making a bad choice.
My lack of decisionmaking prowess is an issue every month when I shop for peanut butter. I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER. I keep one jar of peanut butter at work, and the other jar in my bed. Yes, in my bed. PB is high protein filling, and delicious. If I get hungry in the middle of the night, I feel around for my peanut butter, pop the jar open, grab the spoon wrapped in a napkin on top of my nightstand and dig in. I keep a bottle of water on my nightstand as well for these emergencies.
Since I love PB sooooo much, you would think I prefer a particular brand. I don’t. Every month when I purchase two jars of peanut butter I compare price with chunky vs. creamy. Then I try to remember all the brands that were killing people. I try to avoid those, but if they are really tasty I’ll buy them anyway. I can’t commit to a PB in fact, I can barely choose a PB to settle on. I’ve stood in the PB aisle for up to 20 minutes and just ended up grabbing the 2 PBs closest to me. I can tell you right now, just grabbing the nearest 2 resulted in regret many times. So now when I can’t make a decision, much like shirt shopping, I leave the store without PB in tow knowing damn well I don’t like to sleep without it!
I have the same relationship with men that I have with peanut butter.
So many choices…so many possibilities…so hard to choose one. And when I can’t, I ditch them all and start over. I’m either with a lot of peanut butter, I mean men, or without any! In other words, I’m either not dating anyone at all or dating like 7 people I can’t keep straight or choose between.
Everytime I meet a man I compare tall vs. short, skinny vs. chunky…one minute I’m in the mood for Clinton Portis, next minute I’m in the mood for Robert from Day 26—no correlation at all. But unlike a jar of peanut butter, you can’t just hurry up and finish a man so you can try a new one.
All I need is 2 spoonfuls of PB to know if I like it, with men, it takes much longer to figure out if this is one of those brands that be killing people…or, if the time/emotional price is too much to pay for a sampling. All of these questions come in to play when I consider committing to a product or a relationship.
Right now none of the men that I am getting to know have enough of the right qualities…I have a feeling I need to ditch this bunch and try something new. A couple months ago, I tried almond butter and nutella to replace peanut butter. I liked it.
Not sure what the metaphorical equivalent is when it comes to men…but until I solve my PB commitment issues, I think my relationship commitment issues will persist.
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